


What I Wouldn't Do

by wordsofphandom (KathleenCaitlyn)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dil Howlter (sort of) - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Single Parent Dan Howell, children's author Phil Lester, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-20 06:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10656828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathleenCaitlyn/pseuds/wordsofphandom
Summary: At a book signing, Phil, a succesful author of children’s books, meets the five-year-old Dylan and his gorgeous single father Dan. Though they are instantly drawn to each other, certain issues, let alone a lively five-year-old complicate things for Dan and Phil, and they have to find out just what they would - or wouldn’t do, to be together.





	1. Part I

Phil had been given a small chamber in the back of the bookshop to keep his things and take a short break between the signing and the reading. Closed boxes were blocking most of the space, but at least they came in handy when Phil was packing his stuff into his rucksack, as he used them as a table. He was quite content with the day. A lot of parents had taken their children to the book signing and he had had the chance to chat with the majority of them. Phil always loved to meet his little readers, and to see and hear their delight at the reading was the most wonderful feeling he knew.

As he put his water bottle into the backpack, he realized he had left his book on the speaker's desk in the bookshop. It was the very first copy of “Timmy the Snake”, with annotations by his parents and friends still in it and, naturally, he was quite emotionally attached to it: He had to go back and get it.

The hall where the reading had taken place was now empty, save for a few clerks who hoovered the floor, collected the chairs and put the tables and books back in place. Phil went up to the desk where he had sat and was relieved to see that his book was still there. Sliding his copy into his bag, he looked up and noticed that his first assertion of the room had been wrong. There was someone else still there, someone other than the clerks.

In the left side of the room, near the windows and on a chair much too big for him, sat a little boy, with brown, curly hair. He was looking down onto his lap, where he was holding a copy of Phil's book. He was maybe four or five years old, at any rate way too young to be here alone. Was he the son of one of the employees? Neither of them paid him any attention, so it seemed unlikely.   
Phil only had to consider it for a short moment, then he went up to the boy. “Hello you” he said.

“Hi”. The little boy looked up and his frown gave way to a smile as soon as he recognized Phil. “You are the writer!”.

“I am, yes,” Phil chuckled, “Call me Phil. And who are you?”

“Dylan”.

“Very nice to meet you, Dylan”. Phil smiled at the boy, who was looking at him with huge, seagreen eyes. “I listened to you, when you read your book” he said.

“And did you like it?”

Dylan nodded sincerely. “It's good, but I liked 'Lion and Lioness' better”.

That made Phil laugh. “Yes, that's a great one. I tell you what, I might like 'Lion and Lioness' better, too”.

“Will you write another one?” Dylan asked hopefully. “Lion and Lioness could have a baby in the next one”.

“Great idea!” Phil said. “They could even have four babies at once, imagine that. Lion quadruplets”

Hearing this, Dylan's eyes lit up. “Lions are so cool!” he said.

“I have always thought so”. Phil hoped that maybe his books were responsible for Dylan liking lions. That would be a great accomplish. Or maybe his parents had had their influence.

“Dylan, where are your parents? Why are you all alone here?” Phil asked carefully.

Dylan puffed up his cheeks, then blew out all the air in a big sigh. “Mummy dropped me off here, but she promised she'd be back before the reading was over...”

“And where is your mum now?”

“I don't know, but the shop-man called Daddy, to come and pick me up”.

Poor little guy! Some people really shouldn't have children, Phil thought. “I'm sure he's going to be here soon”.

“Yes, Daddy always comes quickly” Dylan said.

“Always? Does your mum often leave you behind in random places?” What a horrible, horrible idea.

“Sometimes...” Dylan shrugged.

It was heart breaking to see him talk this nonchalantly about something so awful. “What does your dad say to all this?”  


“He gets very cross with Mummy and then they shout at each other” Dylan mumbled, showing sadness for the first time in this conversation.

Phil wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to comfort the little guy, maybe wrap his arm around his shoulder, but they were practically strangers and he didn't want to frighten Dylan. Fortunately, he remembered something.   
From his backpack that was standing beside his feet, he took out Lion. “Here, look” he said, offering the cuddly toy to Dylan. “It's the original Lion”.

Dylan eyed the toy. 

“Go ahead, you can hold him, if you want to”.

Awestruck, Dylan took Lion into his hands and started carefully petting his mane. “Do you always have him with you?” he asked.

“Always when I have a reading...” 

“He is really fluffy” Dylan said, squeezing the toy lovingly.

Phil chuckled. “I've had him for ages but I bathe him regularly”.

“I love bathing. Does he like bathing?”.

“No, because he is a cat, and cats hate water. It's better than showering, though” Phil said.

“I don't like showers either” said Dylan.

“Maybe you're a cat, too”.

Dylan looked at Phil, surprised and confused as to how Phil could suggest something that weird. “No” he said, “I am a human, I am not a cat!”.

“Are you sure you're not a cat?”

Dylan furrowed his brow, thinking about it for a second. “Yes, I am”.

“You're a cat?”

“No, I am human”

“Dylan!” A tall man was striding across the room. “Dylan!” he shouted again.

Dylan turned around. “Daddy!” he called back.

The man sped up and swooped Dylan up from where he had been sitting, hugging him tightly to his chest. “I'm so sorry, I'm sorry!” he said.  
Dylan had wrapped his arms around his father's neck and his head was resting against his shoulder, but in his right hand, he still held Lion. “It's okay” he said. “I met Phil”. His father squeezed Dylan once again, then shifted him, so that he could look at Phil.

The two men looked each other over and Phil had to admit that he liked what he saw: Dylan's father had brown hair and warm brown eyes that dominated a handsome, oval shaped face. 

“Hi” Phil said. 

“Hey” said Dylan's father. “You're Phil, uh, Lester? The author?”

“Yes, that's me”.

“Look, Daddy, he showed me Lion” Dylan quipped. 

His father smiled at him. “Wow, is that the lion from the books? That's brilliant”. Then, he turned back to Phil. “We have loved the Lion Series since Dylan was very small. Thank you for showing him”.

“No, of course, it's a pleasure” Phil hurried to say. “Anything to make him smile”.

The little boy sure had a beautiful smile; the kind of smile that you want to see every minute of every day, the kind of smile that you want to be the reason for. He must have inherited that from his father, Phil noticed, as he looked at the other man, who was smiling warmly, showing off a dimple and bright eyes. Phil's heart missed a beat. He couldn't help but grin back.

“What, uh, what's your name?” he then stuttered.

“Oh, I'm Dan. Dan Howell”. They shook hands. 

“It's very nice to meet you” Phil said, his tongue in better control now.

“Likewise”. 

“Phil is nice” Dylan said, sounding very satisfied. “Can he be my friend?”.

“Oh, Mr Lester is very nice, Dylan, but he is also very busy” Dan explained. “And so he probably does not have the time to be your friend. He has to write and draw his books and he has a lot of readings he needs to go to, and maybe he has children, too, who want to see their daddy”.

“No” Phil blurted out. “No children. I'm, um, single. I'm single. And” Phil cleared his throat, “I would like to be your friend, Dylan”.  
There it was again, that magic smile, on both of their faces. Phil resolved to try and make them smile like that a lot. 

“Thank you, that's very kind, Mr Lester” said Dan, the smile already fading.

“Please, call me Phil”.

“Okay, um, Phil”.

Dan put his son down onto his own feet but took Dylan's hand in his. “It was great to speak to you, but we need to go now. It's Dylan's bed time soon, and he hasn't even had supper yet, so...”.

“Of course” Phil said, hoping he did not sound as disappointed as he felt. “Of course, you're right. Dylan needs his sleep”.

“I'm not tired” Dylan protested. “I don't even like sleeping. I can stay up with Phil”.

“I know, Dylcakes, but, you know what? I'm tired. Maybe you can put me to bed tonight” Dan suggested. 

“Maybe Phil can come home with us and put you to bed?”. These words, though Dylan had said them in oblivious innocence, made both Dan and Phil blush a little. 

“Oh, um, no Dylan... “Dan said, then, on a second thought, added in a conspiratorial way: “I don't want to show Phil my pyjamas”.

Realisation grew in Dylan's eyes and he giggled mischievously. Phil looked from one to the other, but neither cared to explain.  
He wanted to ask about it, but before he could speak, the manager of the bookshop, having seemingly appeared out of thin air, interrupted.  “Mr Lester. There you are”.

“Oh, Mr Gable” Phil said, turning towards him.  
The short, flustered man looked up at Dan and down onto Dylan, then back to Phil. “Is this your... family?” he asked.

“No, we're just fans” Dan explained. 

“Did you enjoy the reading?” Mr Gable asked, but sounded rather disinterested.

“Yes, we did. It was great” Dan answered calmly.

“Wonderful! Sorry to tell you, but we're closing now”.

“Yes. We're leaving anyway”, Dan bent down to pull up the zipper of his son's coat. “Say Good Bye to Phil” he told Dylan, who obeyed, but only reluctantly.

“Good Bye, Phil” he said quietly and gave Phil back Lion. 

“Bye, you two... It's been a pleasure” Phil said, as they walked away. For a last time, Dan turned around and smiled at Phil. Then, they were gone.

The manager cleared his throat to regain Phil's attention. “Mr Lester. Thank you very much for this reading. It was a great success. I hope that everything was to your liking?”.

“Yes, thank you” Phil said politely.

“For all your hard effort and your valuable time, here is a little something” Mr Gable handed Phil a fancy looking envelope. 

“That's very nice of you, but you didn't have to” Phil thanked him and took the envelope, which was surprisingly heavy. 

“It's nothing, really” Mr Gable assured him. “We are thankful that you read your book at our bookshop”.

As Phil looked out of the window, he spotted Dan and Dylan, crossing the road at a traffic light.   
“Thanks again, Mr Gable” Phil said, acting on an idea he just had, “But I need to hurry now, I have to catch my train”.

“Alright then” Mr Gable answered perplexedly, while Phil was already walking towards the exit. 

“Good Bye, Mr Gable” he shouted, skipping down the elevator and he could hear him answer “Good Bye, Mr Lester” before he dashed out of the shop and into the street.   
Dylan and his father had made some progress on the busy pavement, but Phil had no trouble catching up to them with his long legs.

“Dylan, Mr Howell” he called out to them, prompting Dylan to turn around and let go off his Dad’s hand. 

“Phil!” he cried excitedly.

A few more hasty steps, then Phil was standing in front of the boy and his father, panting a little from his recent sprint.   
“Hi, sorry” he said. “I was wondering if I could treat you two to dinner, what with me now being Dylan’s friend and all”. 

“That’s very kind, Mr Lester, but –“

“Please, call me Phil”.

Dylan’s father cracked a smile. “Thanks, Phil, but I think it’s best if we just went home”.

“Pleeeeease, please, Daddy, can we have dinner with Phil? I’m not even tired at all. Please!” Dylan said, a well-practiced pout on his face.

Taking a look at his pleading son, Dan was apparently not able to resist. “Okay, then. We would like to have dinner with you, Phil”.

“Great!” Phil said at the same time as Dylan started cheering. 

They hailed a cab and climbed into the backseat. 

“Where to?” the cabbie asked. 

“Is there a restaurant where you and Dylan like to go to?” Phil asked, as he couldn’t think of a place at the top of his head. 

“There’s a little Italian place in our street…” Dan said and gave the cabbie the address. On the short ride, Phil and Dylan played with Lion, while Dan tried to call Dylan’s mother, unfortunately to no avail. He gave up in frustration before they arrived.

The place that Dan had picked out was a small, authentic looking, somewhat hipster-y restaurant, where Dan and Dylan were greeted by the only waiter like family. As they studied the menus, Dylan was handed a box of crayons and a sketch pad. 

“We keep all of Dyl’s drawings on the fridge door” the waiter said.

“So, do you come here often?” Phil asked Dan as soon as the waiter had gone to get their drinks. “It’s a nice place…”

Dan smiled, but his cheeks were a tiny bit flushed. “It is. We really like it here, but, uh, only on special occasions, you know what I mean?”.

“Of – of course” Phil quickly said, realizing that the subject was apparently touchy. Money was tight, he guessed, and immediately felt bad that he could afford to just treat people to dinner without having to think two seconds about it.  
“You live in this street?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah, just a few houses down. It’s the garden flat; Dylan loves being outside”. 

“That’s nice” Phil commented. 

“Look, Phil, I drew a tree” Dylan quipped in timely. 

Laughing, Dan took the picture out of his small hand. “I’m your father, I get to look at your pictures first”.  
  
“Is it good?” Dylan asked eagerly.

Dan threw his arm around him and pulled him close. “Very good. Don’t you think, Phil?” 

“Yes, it’s amazing” Phil praised, taking the picture from Dan. “Do you want me to draw something, too?” 

“Yes, please!” Dylan said excitedly. 

So, Phil added a squirrel to the tree and Dan drew a fox and then it was Dylan’s turn again, who tried his best to draw a rabbit with the white crayon.   
The food they ordered tasted delicious. Phil had a pepperoni pizza and Dan gnocchi with gorgonzola sauce, while Dylan had his all-time favourite Spaghetti Carbonara. While he was eating, Dylan suddenly got very sleepy and soon, he was hanging lopsidedly on his chair, snoring softly. When the waiter returned to take their empty plates, he asked them if they wanted an espresso.   
“On the house” he said, winking at Dan. 

Dan looked over to where his son was sleeping. “We should probably head home” he said, but then he looked at Phil. “Actually, what do you think? Should we have some coffee?”. 

“I think it would be very nice” Phil said, “but if you think it’s better for Dylan…?”.

Dan grinned. “Nah, it’s fine. He’s fast asleep”. He turned to the waiter. “Yes, please, two espressi would be great. Can I have a decaf, though? I’ve got to work in the morning”.

“Me too, please” Phil said, despite the fact that he would not have to get up early tomorrow; but ordering a regular one would kind of feel like bragging.   
When the coffee arrived, Dan dumbed two cubes of sugar into his cup. 

“I don’t really like the bitterness, you know what I mean?” he said, smiling at Phil apologetically. 

“Yeah, sure, go for it” Phil grinned. “As long as you leave some for me”.

Dan chuckled. “Of course, wait, just one more”.  
After his third lump, Dan passed the sugar to Phil, to let one cube fall into his coffee, making a small splash.

“That’s such a nice sound” he commented.

“I know, right?” Dan said, “So satisfying”.

They took a few sips from their cups without saying anything, but the silence did not feel awkward. It was a very comfortable, homey atmosphere that Phil really loved.

“So, what do you do when you’re not looking after Dylan?” he asked after a while.

“Well, I work… quite a lot, actually” Dan said. “I work for BBC Radio; I edit their online video stuff”.

“Really? That’s so cool!”.

“Yeah, it’s fun and I can take it home, if I need to” Dan explained. “And you live of your books?”.

Phil shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much. I mean, people really seem to like them. My publishers are selling them in Sweden, now”.

“Wow, congratulations” Dan said, making Phil blush. 

“I’ve drawn picture books since I was little, I’ve been very lucky for things to turn out this way” he said, trying to sound equally grateful and nonchalant. 

“It’s more than luck, you’re very talented” Dan exclaimed “Dylan loves your books, all the kids in his class love your books, everybody loves your books. They’re brilliant!”

Hearing that, Phil’s cheeks started to grow pink. “That means a lot to me”. 

“You’re welcome” Dan said warmly.

“So, um” Phil cleared his throat, “What do you do in your free time?”.

Dan raised an eyebrow, his eyes flickered to his sleeping son. “How much free time do you imagine I get?”. He grinned crookedly. “If a miracle happens and I do have free time, I mostly play video games or read or listen to music. What about you?”

“Yeah, me too, actually” Phil said.  

Dan emptied his cup and switched on his phone. “Jesus, it’s late. Dylan should have been in bed hours ago!”.

Phil payed the bill, while Dan wrapped Dylan in his coat and picked him up. Sleepily, Dylan wrapped his arms around his father’s neck and his legs around his torso. As soon as his head was resting on Dan’s shoulder, Dylan was fast asleep again.   
Having left the restaurant, the two men looked at each other, uncertain. Phil didn’t want to go – he wanted to spend more time with Dan and his son, wanted to get to know them properly. And Dan was so beautiful… as much as Phil liked Dylan already, he definitely wouldn’t mind spending time alone with Dan.

“Would you walk us home?” Dan asked, somewhat abruptly. 

Phil smiled. “I’d love to”.

“It’s this way”.

As they walked down the street, it was cold and misty. There were golden halos around the street lights and the wet pavement glistened. For London, it was relatively quiet and they did not exchange any words, until they reached the house were Dan and Dylan lived. It was a typical London brick house, four storeys and slim. On the cast iron stairs down to the garden flat sat a person. They jumped to their feet when Dan reached the first step. His back was blocking Phil’s view of the stranger’s face, and they backed away, down the stairs as Dan walked down, too. Even though he was caring a child, there was something threatening about the way he approached the person, who was now lodged in between the front door and the trash cans. 

“Oh my God, you’ve got him! Thank God! Thank God!” the person cried out. Phil, who was now climbing down the stairs himself could see now, that it was a young woman – about Dan’s age. She was wearing a shabby coat and beanie and her gaunt face looked desperate.

“Go away, Jess” Dan growled, his shoulders tightening. 

Phil stopped on the second to last step, unsure what to do. 

“Let me see him. Is he okay? Let me take him home” the girl – Jess – said. 

“Are you insane?” Dan hissed. “I’m not going to let you near him! He stays with me!”

“It was supposed to be my week-end. That means he sleeps at my place” Jess whined loudly. The sound woke Dylan. 

“Daddy?” he mumbled so softly that Phil almost couldn’t hear him.

“It’s fine, my love, Daddy’s here” Dan said. Then he turned around, facing Phil. “Would you mind bringing Dylan to bed? I need to talk to Jess, and I don’t want to upset him”.

“Yes, of course” Phil said, feeling touched and honoured. He took the drowsy Dylan from Dan’s arms and automatically, Dylan snuggled up to Phil. 

“His room is the first on the left” Dan said, as he unlocked the front door and let Phil in.

Inside the flat, it was dark but warm. It smelled of coffee and biscuits and Phil nearly tripped over a small, frog green Wellington Boot when he walked in. He used his right arm to support Dylan’s weight, so his left arm was free to reach out for the light switch. When he turned on the light, the first door on the left was easily found. He opened it and carried Dylan inside, refraining from turning on the light in here as well, since he didn’t want to wake the little boy up. His room was small and crammed. The bed was on the left and Phil sat down on it. Carefully, he helped Dylan out of his coat and his shoes, and then also his jeans, but Dylan seemed too tired to put on his pyjamas. He simply crawled under the covers in his jumper and his pants. 

“Good Night, Phil” he mumbled. 

“Good Night, Dylan, sleep tight” Phil said.

“You have to kiss me” Dylan demanded. A warm and strange feeling welled up inside of Phil and he bent down and planted a soft kiss onto the boy’s forehead. “Sleep well”.

He pulled the covers up to Dylan’s chin, then snuck out of the room.   
In the back of the flat was a spacious room that served as kitchen and lounge. Phil helped himself to a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen isle. From outside, he heard Dan and Jess arguing in hushed voices, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He pulled out his phone, it was half past ten, and started playing a game, but his head wasn’t in it. The woman outside, that was Dylan’s mother, it had to be. And Dan and she weren’t together. It was obvious from the flat that no woman lived here. Did that mean that Dan was single? Phil very much hoped so. On the other hand, he did recognize that a relationship with Dan seemed quite impossible. He had said himself that he didn’t have much free time. However, Phil had a very flexible schedule, that he could arrange around Dan’s…   
Phil chuckled softly to himself when he realized what he was thinking about. One night with a guy and he was practically already planning their wedding. This was unusual for him; he never fell for people quickly. He breathed in deeply and decided to think of something else.

At that moment, he heard the front door opening and Dan’s soft footsteps in the hall. Phil turned around in his chair and watched Dan peek into Dylan’s bedroom before he stripped off his jacket and put it in the closet. 

“Hey, thank you for everything” Dan walked into the kitchen, looking exhausted. 

“My pleasure” said Phil kindly. “Was Jess -?”

“- Dyl’s mother, yes” Dan sat down on the chair next to Phil. “She’s… unreliable”.

“Is that why you’re not with her anymore?” Phil asked.

For a moment, Dan regarded him thoughtfully. “I never really was with her in the first place. She was the rebound; you know? I was at uni and my girlfriend of three years dumped me completely out of the blue” He sighed “Jess was an easy distraction, but, to be honest, she is the last person I’d have chosen to become the mother of my child”.

Suddenly, Phil felt the urge to hug him, but since he wasn’t sure if that was okay, he settled for the safer option of simply putting his hand on Dan’s shoulder; a gesture he hoped would be encouraging. Dan looked into his eyes for a moment, then, he cupped Phil’s cheek, leaned in and kissed him. His lips were chapped, but plump and warm and the kiss made Phil’s heart flutter like a little bird. 

Dan ended it as suddenly as he had begun. Losing his touch was almost painful to Phil and he kept his eyes shut for a few seconds after, hoping Dan would kiss him again.   
He didn’t. “Sorry. I hope that was okay?” he asked instead.

Opening his eyes, Phil smiled at him. “More than okay” he said, making Dan blush in the most adorable way. He looked down, then up again.

“Were you serious, earlier, when you said you wanted to be Dylan’s friend?”.

Phil nodded earnestly. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want you making promises you can’t keep”

“I’d never…”

“Well, that complicates things” Dan said. 

“Why?” Phil asked.

“Because he seems to really like you, and I like you, and I’m willing to give this friendship a go. But if I do, I can’t, you know, be with you…”

Phil didn’t say anything, he understood. But Dan went on, regardless. “I wouldn’t want to confuse Dylan. I haven’t had a girlfriend or a boyfriend since he was born – just a few one-night-stands but never with anyone he knew or he’d spend time with. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Dylan, even if that means have to stay single until he’s in college”. He smiled crookedly. “So, I guess it’s either him or me”.

Phil had to think for a while. “But if I did choose you, it’d only be for tonight, yes?”

“Yes”.

“Then it’s easy. I’d rather be friends with both of you than spend one night you and then never see either of you again” Phil said.

Dan smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I know what you mean” he said. “Still…”.

He kissed Phil again.   
This kiss was longer and more passionate – but also desperate.   
When they pulled apart, Phil’s heart hurt. Dan cleared his throat.

“Not to be rude or anything, but it’s late, and I have to work in the morning”.

“Of course, yeah, I’ll… I’ll let you sleep” Phil said. 

“Let’s exchange phone numbers, though… to arrange a play date for you and Dylan someday” Dan suggested, so they swapped phones and typed in their respective numbers. When the new contacts were saved, Dan walked Phil to the door.

“I’ll text you” he said.

They kissed one last time, then Dan send him home and closed the door behind him.


	2. Part II

A week went by, but Phil didn’t hear from Dan and on Sunday, he was beginning to think he never would. Nevertheless, he found himself doing sketches of the same two characters: a white kitten with red and brown patches and a striped tomcat. He drew the kitten playing in autumn leaves, while its father kept a watchful eye on it. He drew them drinking milk from the same bowl and cuddling on a velvet pillow. You didn’t have to be Sigmund Freud to know who he was really drawing. However, Phil never drew himself into the pictures.

He had a meeting with his agent on Thursday, and they discussed the possibility of doing a Lion and Lioness Movie. An American major studio was keenly interested in buying the rights, but it was difficult for Phil to sign them away. If they did make a film, Phil would want to be involved, and he knew very little about animation.  
When he was still thinking of nothing but Dan and Dylan on Friday, Phil decided to drive up north and spend the week-end with his parents. In these cases, distance was always a good idea. He had a wonderful time and when he came back, he was almost ready to forget about the Howells.  
On Tuesday afternoon, however, his phone rang. And it was Dan calling.  
Curious, he answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, Phil. It’s Dan. Dan Howell, Dylan’s father”.

“Of course, I remember you” Phil said, bemused. 

“Right… uh, listen, do you have any plans on Friday afternoon?”

“This Friday?”

“Yes”

“No, I don’t think so… why d’you ask?”

“Because I have a problem, and I’d like to abuse your offer of being Dylan’s friend. My boss scheduled a meeting on Friday from 4 to 5 pm, so I can’t pick up Dylan from school. None of his friends can take him, and I really don’t want to ask Jess… so I thought that maybe you could pick him up and bring him home?”

“Yeah, I’d love that” Phil said. “Do you want me to take him to my place or bring him to yours?”.

“Our place, I think. Or you could go to the park for a while… It’s going to be very easy, and it’s just for a few hours”.

“Sure, don’t worry” Phil said. “Just tell me where and when to pick him up and I’ll be there. Does he have a key for your flat?”

“He’s five” retorted Dan.

“So, no?”

“He’d lose it on the playground, or when he’s running, or something… And anyway, I don’t want to burden him with that responsibility yet”.

Phil felt stupid. “Of course” he said; he should have thought of that.

“The neighbour has a spare key. He’ll let you in”.

On Wednesday and Thursday, Phil was nervously looking forward to his time with Dylan. The last time he’d spend the day with a five-year old had to be years and years ago, when Phil had been a child himself; unless, of course, you counted last Sunday.  
So, what were him and Dylan going to do? In preparation, he called his Mum and discussed the matter with her. Also, he bought some picture books and a Children’s-Experiments-Box, as well as a football, because he didn’t know what Dylan was into and he wanted him to have a good time. When Friday had come, he packed all of those things into a big bag and took the Tube to Dylan’s school. 

Dylan was overjoyed to see him. The first to leave the class room, he ran out of the door and hugged Phil’s legs enthusiastically. 

“Phil!” he squealed.

“Hello, Dylan” Phil laughed and somewhat awkwardly petted his head. “You got your things?”.  
They collected Dylan’s reading bag and his coat. Phil also made Dylan wear the woolly hat and the scarf, although Dylan insisted that Daddy never cared about that. 

“I just don’t want you to be cold” Phil explained, but Dylan just shrugged. 

“I’m never cold” he explained. 

They left the school and visited Dylan’s favourite play ground on the way home. In the wet and muddy park, Dylan met a few of his school friends and Phil waited with some other mothers at the side. But just as the conversation got too awkward (“Are you Mr Howell’s brother? A friend? His _boyfriend_?”), Dylan asked Phil to play with him, which Phil gladly did. Dylan loved the new football. He appointed Phil goalie and he and his friends kicked penalty-shots.  
Only when both Phil and Dylan were thoroughly cold and dirty, did they walk home. Dylan was holding Phil’s hand and skipping along the way, all the time chatting about his school and his friends. When they arrived, they got the keys from the middle aged guy who lived in the flat above Dan and Dylan’s; Dan would be home in an hour.

For homework, Dylan was supposed to read a picture book, so Phil gave him one of the new ones he’d bought and went to prepare supper. He had brought ingredients for both pancakes and Spaghetti Bolognese.  
“Which do you prefer?” he asked Dylan.

The little boy looked up from his book. “Pancakes, please” he said. “May I flip them?”.

His question made Phil chuckle. “I have to make the batter, first”.

“Okay” Dylan went back to his book.

When Dan came home, Phil and Dylan had made a big stack of pancakes, had squeezed some lemons and had set the table for three. 

“Wow, it smells delicious” Dan commented when he came in. He gave Dylan a kiss on the head. “Did you have a nice time with Phil?”.

“Yes!” Dylan shouted. “Look what he got me!” he handed him the picture book. 

Dan studied it. “That was really kind, Phil” he looked at him “You shouldn’t have”. 

“It’s nothing, really”.

“Still, thank you very much” Dan said. “Dylan, did you say thank you?”.

“Thank you, Phil!” Dylan said again. 

Phil smiled at the both of them. “You’re very welcome” Yet the atmosphere was somewhat awkward. “Shall we eat?”.

After supper, Dan checked whether Dylan had done his homework and invited Phil to stay for a movie. They cuddled up on the sofa – Dylan between the two men – drank hot chocolate and watched Howl’s Moving Castle. During the scary scenes, Dylan alternated between Dan and Phil to hide his face against. After the film was over, it was bed time for Dylan.

“Can Phil bring me to bed? Please, Daddy, please” he pleaded, giving both Dan and Phil huge puppy dog eyes. 

Dan chuckled. “You’ll have to ask Phil. Maybe he’s got plans for tonight”.

“May you please stay, Phil?” Dylan said, concentrating his efforts on Phil, whose heart melted a little bit at the sight of the pouting boy.

“Yes, I can stay” he promised.

As the day had been long and exhausting, Dylan fell asleep quickly. Technically, Phil’s job was done now, but the thought of his empty flat in Islington made him sad.  
“Would you like a glass of wine?” Dan asked.

It was a relief that apparently, Dan didn’t want him to leave, either. “Yes, please” Phil said. So, Dan opened a bottle of red wine and they sat down on the couch again. Casually, Dan swung his legs over Phil’s lap. 

“Did you have a nice day?” he asked.

“Probably the best I’ve had in weeks” Phil admitted. 

Dan grinned at him. “You’re your own boss, how can you even have bad days?”

“True, I never really have bad days… I just rarely have a day as good as this one”. 

“That’s nice to hear” Dan took a sip from his glass. “I can tell that Dylan had a really good day, too”.  
Phil beamed.  
“Next time, though, please don’t buy him stuff” When Dan realized, that Phil’s smile had shrunk a little, he hurried to say “Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s so kind of you to give him a present, thank you again, I just wouldn’t want him to get used to it, you know what I mean? He shouldn’t see you as, I don’t know, his fairy godmother”.

For a brief moment, Phil pictured himself in a blue cloak with a wand. The idea was funny, but Dan was right. “I get it” he said. 

“Thank you” Dan said, “that seems to be all I’m saying, today”. 

“I don’t mind” Phil answered, teasing

“You wouldn’t, would you?” Dan grinned, before his expression got a bit more mellow “I’d forgotten how nice it is to come home to someone that isn’t five years old”. 

“How long has it been?” Phil asked. 

“Since uni – I used to share a flat with a couple of friends. Well, I did live with Jess for 6 months, after Dylan was born. But that was only aggravating”. 

“What were you studying?”

Dan laughed dryly. “Law” he said curtly. “Wasn’t one of my brightest ideas”.

“You didn’t like it?” Phil asked.

“I hated it. I mean, Criminal Law was interesting, but Corporate Law was literally killing me. I dropped out when Dylan was born, so I could work full time. But, honestly, that was just an excuse... How about you? Did you go to uni?”.

“Yes, I did. I studied English Literature and Linguistics in York. When that was done, I didn’t feel ready to find a proper job, so I did a Master’s degree in Graphic Design here in London”.  

Looking amused, Dan shook his head.

“What?” Phil wanted to know.

“It’s just… Is there anything you’re _not_ great at?” Dan said.

“Of course!” Phil exclaimed, his cheeks reddening.

“Oh yeah, like what?” Dan counted down on his fingers. “You’re a fantastic story teller, a great artist, an intellectual with _two_ degrees, the best kisser I’ve ever had, you’re good with kids and an overall wonderful person”.

Phil’s face was positively burning now. “I’m rubbish at most sports, I don’t play an instrument and if you ever saw me dancing, you’d never think I was perfect again” he said meekly.

“Shut up!” Dan laughed.

“And for the record; you’re a great kisser, too”.

They looked at each other. Dan’s lower lip was dark from the wine; his eyes were sparkling. Never had anybody looked as kissable as Dan looked in this moment.  
But then, Dan lowered his gaze and the moment was over. To cover up his disappointment, Phil emptied his glass. 

“More wine?” Dan asked, but Phil shook his head. 

“The Tube is closing soon… I think I should probably go home”.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right…” Dan said, yawning.

Reluctantly, the two of them got to their feet. While Phil was packing his things, Dan was yawning even more, which gave Phil a bad conscience. Of course, Dan was tired; he had had a long day; Phil should have gone home and let him sleep hours ago.

“When will I see you again?” Phil asked, before he left.

“Don’t know. May I call you again, if I need someone to pick Dylan up from school?”

“Yes, of course! Please do!”.

Dan smiled. “And may I call you, if I need you to spend time with _me_ , too?”

“You absolutely may” Phil said.

“Thank you, Phil” Quickly, Dan kissed him on the cheek. “You’re the best”.

The next morning, Phil slept in. He prepared oatmeal and coffee and had breakfast in the living room, watching animes on his TV. At around noon, he went into his study and took another look at the tomcat and kitten pictures he had drawn after he had first met Dylan and Dan. He really liked the characters and fuelled by an intense happiness he felt since yesterday, he drew some proper character studies. The kitten, he decided, should be called Felix; playful, excitable but also somewhat pragmatic. The father he called Maximilian and he changed his fur colour to black, with a white belly, paws and snout. Maximilian shared his son’s pragmatisms, but he was more resigned. Also, he loved his son very much.

Characters always came easy to Phil, but the story he wanted to tell was often more difficult to come up with. Were Maximilian and Felix street cats? Did they live with a family? In a shelter? He drew them in various surroundings and scenarios, but nothing really stuck. Phil didn’t mind; it was always useful to try out loads of things until he figured out what he wanted. Just as he put away the sketches, his phone started ringing and instantly, his heart beat picked up. Maybe Dan was calling.  
But, alas, it was his agent. Hazel had been with him from the very start. When he had finished his first book “The Little Lion” shortly after graduating, he had contacted about half a dozen agents, but only Hazel had been interested. Since then, they had worked on every project together.

“Hey Phil” she said. “Have you had any more thoughts about the movie rights?”.

“Not really, to be honest” he admitted. 

“Well, how about that: 20th Century Fox would like to invite you to their headquarters in L.A. to discuss the offer. 3-day trip, all expenses covered, no strings attached. They really, really want to make this film”. 

“And when do they want to schedule this trip?” Phil asked.

“At your earliest convenience” Hazel said and Phil could clearly hear the air quotes she would have made if they were having a face-to-face conversation.

“Hmm, do you think I should do it?”.

“What, the trip or the movie?”

“Both, I guess…”

“I’d say do the trip, hear them out, then decide. And if you don’t want to sell the rights, you still got a free trip to L.A.”

Phil looked out of the window; the sky was grey and miserable and it was drizzling. 

“Okay, I’ll do the trip. Do you want to come?”

“I’d love to! I’ll check back with them if that’s okay, though… When do you want to go?”.

They picked out the weekend before the first Advent, so that the trip was to be in three weeks. In the remaining weeks, Dan kept his promise and asked Phil to pick up Dylan from school twice. Both times, Phil and Dylan had a wonderful time, but because it was always on a school night, Phil never got to stay as long as he did the first time. Sadly, he saw very little of Dan – he usually left right after Dan came home, and Dan had yet to ask him to spend time with him, like he had said he would.  
It was the day before he was to fly to L.A. when it finally happened. Phil had spent the afternoon packing his suitcase and looking forward to sunny Californian weather, when his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was a text from Dan:

_jess is taking dyl home tonight and i’m worried crazy distract me_

Without hesitation, Phil picked out a video he had saved and send it to Dan; a compilation of baby animals doing cute stuff.  
The video lasted ten minutes; enough time for Phil to find his trunks and his goggles. He reckoned it would not be extremely hot in California, but maybe the hotel had a pool. When the ten minutes were up, Dan texted him again.

_Cute but not long enough wanna go for drinks tonight?_

There was nothing Phil would like to do better, so he texted back enthusiastically

_I’d love to!!! When and where?_

_half seven ish? is there a pub you like near you i'd like to get to know your london_

Phil knew exactly what Dan meant when he referred to “his London”. The city was so vast and so multicultural that you often had to only walk a few hundred yards to be in a completely different world. And the thought that Dan wanted to see his was wonderful to him. He texted him back the name and address of a cosy, elegant pub that, above a variety of beers, ciders and wines, served also quite a lot of food and snacks. Suddenly, he felt nervous. Time with Dan alone. It was almost like a date, wasn’t it? Of course, they hadn’t specified it to be, but for the first time, they were meeting just for the sake of it. And there was no Dylan to think about. Phil felt glad for it, and then guilty for that. He loved Dylan, it was just that, well… 

At quarter to seven, he opened his closet and looked through his clothes. He wanted to look good today, he wanted Dan to notice he had made an effort. So, he put on one of his nicer shirts and dark jeans. At a whim, he also put on a bow tie and a jacket, but then took off both. That was _too_ much effort. Finally, he combed through his hair once more and left his flat. It was five past seven, and since he didn’t want to be this early, Phil decided to make a detour to the park. Luckily, he had his mobile and his headphones with him, so he walked twice around the park pond, listening to music. When he arrived at the pub 20 minutes later, he felt relaxed and happy. He only had to wait for a short while until Dan arrived, too. They hugged each other as they said hello, then went in. 

“Did you find it well?” Phil asked. “I always get lost when I go somewhere new”.

Dan laughed. “’Course you do. But, yeah, I found it well - I used my phone”. 

They found a nice secluded place in a corner; on the table, two tealights were burning. 

“Can I get you something to drink?” Phil asked, while Dan was studying the menu. 

“Yeah, thanks”.

So, Phil got himself a raspberry cider and a lager for Dan. They started talking about their respective weeks, though Phil neglected to mention that he would fly to L.A. in the morning. For some reason, it seemed like a bad idea to him. 

“Oh, by the way” Dan said and retrieved a piece of paper from his shoulder bag, “Dylan wanted me to give you this. He was quite jealous I get to see you tonight and he doesn’t”.

“Aw, thanks” Phil took the paper. It was a drawing that Dylan had made, showing what was probably supposed to be himself and Phil, playing football. “That’s so sweet, tell him I said thank you”. 

Dan took a large gulp from his drink. “He’ll be fine at Jess’s, right?” 

Pitying him, Phil put his hand on Dan’s. “Of course he’ll be”. 

“She’s such an awful mother!”

“How long has it been since he’s seen her?”

Dan thought for a moment. “I think he last saw her on that Sunday when we met you. I haven’t allowed her near him since then… But, you know, she _is_ his mum”. 

“If I were her, I’d put a lot of effort in this meeting, then… I wouldn’t want to mess it up, again” Phil said. 

“Yeah, let’s hope that’s the case” Dan smiled meekly. 

“Why did you have Dylan in the first place?” Phil was genuinely curious, but when he saw how Dan’s smile, however small it might have been, vanished, he quickly added: “I mean, I’ very happy that you did. Dylan is wonderful…”

“I get it” Dan shrugged. “Remember I told you Jess was just the rebound? Well, we didn’t last long and when she discovered she was pregnant, she didn’t tell me for weeks… When a friend finally told me, it was already too late for an abortion”

“Oh”

Dan chuckled. “My mum was fuming when she found out. When I told her I’d drop out of uni, she wanted to sue Jess”. 

“And did she?”

“Nah, she didn’t. And she still doesn’t like Jess, but she adores Dylan”. 

Phil chuckled. “My mum wants grandchildren, too”. 

“Oh yeah?” Dan asked, grinning “Why haven’t you complied yet?”.

“I never met anyone I wanted to have kids with” Phil shrugged. “But I think I’d be a great Dad”.

“I think so, too” Dan smiled warmly, making Phil’s heart skip a beat and butterflies flutter in his tummy. They were being playful, Phil knew that, but he still got his hopes up. For the first time he realized, he not only wanted to be with Dan, he also wanted to be Dylan’s dad. The palm of his hand was still resting on the back of Dan’s, but before he could squeeze it, Dan pulled it away to take a sip from his bottle. There was something nervous about him all of a sudden, and he avoided Phil’s gaze.  
It seemed fairly obvious to Phil that Dan was, for some reason, uncomfortable, so he changed topics. “Video games” he said.

“What about them?” Dan asked, surprised.

“You said you liked them. Got a favourite?” 

As they were discussing video games, the tension eased. After about an hour, they ordered another drink and shared some chips, their conversation having drifted to books, films and TV shows. So far, Phil thought, the evening was going swimmingly. There had been that awkward moment, and they hadn’t ventured into that area of conversation again, but the butterflies from earlier hadn’t disappeared. 

“Hey, so” Dan said, having emptied his second beer, “why did you pick out this pub?”.

Phil shrugged. “I like it here, don’t you?”

“Sure”

“Besides, it’s close to my flat…”

Lifting his head a bit, Dan smiled at him. “May I see it?”

“My flat?” Phil swallowed dryly. 

“Yeah…”

“’course, we can go now, if you want to…”

They grabbed their coats and headed into the street. Despite the cold, Phil felt warm, in fact, he felt like he was burning up; probably because Dan was walking right next to him, their hands brushing occasionally. The building of Phil’s flat was old but grand; when it had been renovated last, a small elevator had been installed, which they used to ride to the upmost storey. They stood so close together that Phil feared Dan could feel the heat radiating from him.  
Luckily, they arrived at the fifth floor soon enough and Phil led Dan through the curt hallway and into his flat. Kitchen and lounge were a single large, open-spaced room with a glass front on the backside of the room. 

“Wow” Dan said upon entering. “The view’s amazing”.

London’s lights were glimmering; the night sky was velvet. 

“If you go to the window and turn your head left, you can just see the Shard” Phil said. “Can I take your coat?” 

“How very gentlemanly of you” Dan grinned, his eyes sparkling, but he took off his parka and gave it to Phil before he went to try and see the Shard. 

“I never realized you could make so much money by writing children’s books!” he mumbled, not taking his gaze of the view. 

“Yeah, uh, most people don’t… I’ve just been very lucky” Phil explained, turning his back towards Dan to put both of their coats into the closet. Facing him again, suddenly, took courage. But when he did, Dan was smiling at him apologetically. 

“So” Phil cleared his throat, “do you want something to drink? I’ve got water, Ribena, coffee, tea, coke, wine…?”

“Yeah, wine’d be great” 

“Red or white?”

“Uh, red”

Phil got the glasses and uncorked the bottle, while Dan sat down on the couch facing the window.

“Do you get someone to clean your windows or do you do that yourself? Oh, thanks” He took the glass from Phil. 

“Yeah, no, my landlord hires a company to do that every two months” Phil sat next to Dan carefully. For a while, they just sipped wine from their glasses, their gazes meeting occasionally.

“So, your kitchen is nice” Dan commented. “Do you like cooking?”

“Uh, sometimes…” 

Silence again. It was surprising to Phil how awkward they suddenly were. What had changed when they came to the flat?

“With an open room like this, you probably do a lot of hoovering, don’t you?”

Phil shook his head. “What’s going on?”.

In a swift move, Dan put his glass onto the table, leaned in and kissed Phil on the mouth.  The kiss was heated and intense and it made Phil’s heart beat faster and all the blood in his body rush towards his crotch. Forgetting he was holding a wine glass himself, Phil leaned in closer and promptly spilled wine over himself and Dan. 

“Ah, shoot!” 

They pulled apart a bit. “I’m so sorry, Dan!”

“It’s fine” Dan murmured. Slowly, he started unbuttoning his shirt. Phil’s eyes followed Dan’s fingers for two buttons, then he reached out and helped him, revealing Dan’s smooth chest underneath. Almost in awe, Phil slid his hands over the newly exposed skin, then planted a kiss just above his collar bone. 

Surprised, Dan breathed in deeply. While Phil’s lips were working their way up towards his neck and his Adam’s apple, Dan busied himself by unbuttoning Phil’s shirt. They kissed again, slowly but deeply and Dan swung a leg over Phil’s lap. Placing his hands on Dan’s hips, Phil pulled him onto his lap completely, so that Dan was now straddling him. They grinded into each other, both rock hard, and Phil kissed Dan’s neck again, sucking and almost bruising. A moan escaped from Dan’s lips.

“Phil!” He cupped Phil’s face, making him look him directly. They stared into each other’s eyes for a second, and briefly, Phil feared that Dan wanted to stop. 

“Show me your bed!” Dan said instead.


	3. Part III

Part III  
Phil loved Christmas time in London. There were lights everywhere, making the cold and wet streets look cosy and magical. Pleasant smells were coming from the shops, the cafés and the booths that had popped up at every corner and in every park. And not to mention the music and the cookies and the heartfelt ads. Yet, there was one event, coming up this weekend, that Phil did not look forward to at all; the Christmas Party at his publishing company. In the last few years, this festivity had been quite fun. Phil had met lectors, designers and other authors (and had even made out with an up-and-coming YA author in an unoccupied office last year), had drank some sparkling wine and had had a great time all together. This year would be different; everybody would be asking him about the movie deal, and when they heard that he hadn’t decided yet, would try and persuade him to sign the rights away – or keep them, depending on who he would talk to. 

This pending decision was bugging Phil. The trip to L.A., two weeks ago, had been fun and exciting, but it hadn’t really helped him make up his mind. Hazel was all for it – she thought it was a great opportunity for him and his brand. His mum was against it, as she feared it would commodify his characters too much. And while she loved spending holidays in Florida, she also had a healthy mistrust of most things American.  
But they weren’t on the forefront of Phil’s mind. He kept thinking about Dan. 

After their last meeting had ended in a disaster, he had seen neither Dan nor his son, and he was missing the two of them a lot. It was crazy, considering he didn’t truly know the two and had only met them a couple of months ago. Regardless, Phil knew that they were the main reason he was still sceptical about the deal. If he were to sign it, he would be spending much more time on the other side of the planet – far too far away from the little family he wanted to be part of. Not that him becoming a part of the Howell family seemed like a probable option at the moment. He had messed up so epically he would be thankful to catch a sight of either Dan or Dylan from across the street.  
On the day of the party, it was the Saturday of the second advent weekend, Phil spent most of his time in his office. The Kitten and Tomcat characters that he was working on were starting to get a story. Repeatedly, Phil drew them in a shelter. Maximillian was fiercely protective of Felix, and the two of them lived in constant fear of separation. Although Phil was not sure whether he really wanted them to take their story in that direction, it was a fun idea to play around with. Outside, it was raining dreadfully, so Phil truly was not tempted to leave the comfort of his flat. But he did have to face the weather eventually, when he walked from his front door to the cab. Just those few steps got his coat soaked.  
As usual, the party was an informal event and it took place at the office building where Phil’s publishing company was based. The entrance hall as well as the big conference room on the ground floor and several smaller meeting rooms were refunctioned to host the employees and the guests.  
A large Christmas tree had been set up in the hall, and there even were presents underneath. Phil was going to give his editor Eloise a present, but he hadn’t brought it. After all, Christmas was over two weeks away. 

“Mr Lester” someone called him. He turned his head and spotted fellow author Catherine Liu, waving at him, so he walked over to her. She was standing in a group with several other people Phil didn’t know. 

“This is Phil Lester. You all know him. He’s Daddy’s favourite child” Liu said, a cheeky, but slightly sardonic grin on her face. 

“Says the enfant terrible” Phil countered, earning some laughter from the others, including Liu. The novels she wrote were infamous and controversial, and in fiction, they were the antithesis to Phil’ books. 

“Tell me, Lester, what are you working on at the moment?” Liu asked.

“A new book. It’s a story about a kitten and his father. That’s all I got right now” Phil was glad to tell the others, who seemed pleased with his answer.

“My daughter loves your books” said one of the men. “She’ll be so excited when I tell her I met you”.

Flattered, Phil smiled at him. “What’s her name?”

“Marissa”.

“Tell me, Mr. Lester, do you have kids?” Liu chimed in, smiling sweetly at him. 

“Uh, no” Phil said, somewhat sceptical. “How about you?”.

“Certainly not! I’m not the mothering type… But do you have a wife? A girlfriend?”

“No, I’m single” unfortunately, he added in his thoughts. “Why? Are you interested?” 

Liu laughed dryly. “I’m not asking for myself” she said cryptically and would not say anything more. Eventually, Phil just accepted it. 

They chatted amongst the group for a while, then Phil moved on to the buffet which looked wonderful. He loaded as much food as he could possibly balance onto a plate, grabbed a glass of sparkling wine and sat down at a table. He was not left alone with his food for long, though, as Richard George took the seat next to his almost immediately. Mr George was CEO and editor-in-chief at the publishing house and keenly interested in the movie deal. If it was only his decision, he’d have sold the rights straight away. 

“Philip!” he exclaimed, grabbing Phil’s hand and shaking it vigorously. “It’s great you’re here. What a party! Are you enjoying yourself?”.

“Yes, Sir” Phil answered dutifully. 

“Excellent! Listen, son, I don’t want to bother you for long, I know there’s plenty of people who want to chat with you tonight, but I was wondering about L.A…. How was it? Have you arrived at a decision yet?”

“L.A. was great, Sir. But…”

Mr George’s face fell. “You don’t want to sell the rights”.

“No, I just don’t know yet”. 

“As is to be expected. I know it is a big step for you, either way”. He put his hand on his arm. “May I give you a piece of advice? I saw you talked to Miss Liu earlier. As you know, she’s had three of her books adapted into beautiful films. She’ll be delighted to answer you all the questions you may have”.

Phil had not known about her films. “Thanks, I’ll be sure to talk to her”. 

“Excellent!” Mr George kept staring at him.

“Oh, you mean right now?”

“No, not at all. Please do take your time” he was quick to assure Phil, but the wavering of his smile gave him away.

“Okay then… Sir” Phil said. In one go, he emptied his champagne, stuffed the last little canapé into his mouth and left the editor-in-chief at the table to make his way over to Catherine Liu again. On the way there, he grabbed two more glasses of champagne, one of which he handed her when he arrived at the table she was standing at.

“Hey” he said, somewhat awkwardly.

“Lester! Back again so soon? And here I thought I’d chased you off with all my questions” she laughed.

“Yeah, actually, you did a bit”

She laughed again. “Sorry about that. There’s a bet amongst the authors…” 

Phil raised his eyebrows. “A bet? About me?”

“About your sexuality” she clarified, sipping from her glass. 

“Oh, that… What did you bet on?” he wanted to know.

“Nothing. I thought it was undignified and wanted to end it”.

That, Phil hadn’t expected. “Thank you!” he said wholeheartedly. 

“No worries” she smiled. “I definitely wouldn’t like it if people bet on my sexuality”. 

“They don’t. As far as I know, at least” Phil said.

“Great!” she exclaimed. “I’m bi, if anyone’s asking”.

“Me too” Phil admitted.

She clinked her glass to his. “Good to know we’ll have each other’s backs”.

Phil smiled at her, warmly. Catherine Liu had always been a little scary to him, but this conversation was going great. “There’s actually something you could help me with…” 

“Okay, shoot!”

“I’ve heard that –“

But at that point, his mobile phone started ringing. 

 

When Dylan was about one year old, Dan and Jess had sat down with Jess’s parents and had discussed who would take care of Dylan.  
For the first six months, they had lived together – Mummy, Daddy, Baby – in a small flat in Wood Green. After that, Dan had had enough and he had moved out, leaving Dylan behind. He had gotten his own flat and a promotion, and he had asked Jess if he could take Dylan. Jess had happily agreed. If it’d been entirely up to her, she’d have handed over her son and never seen him again. When her parents had heard, they’d gotten involved. So, that day, on one of the hottest days of the summer, they’d met at Dan’s new flat and they had laid down the rules: Dan and Jess would continue to share custody, but Dan would be the primary care giver. Dylan would mainly live with Dan, but Jess would have him every second week from Thursday evening to Monday morning. Back then, it had seemed like a good idea. An idea, that Dan had been happy with. He wasn’t anymore.  
Every “Mummy-weekend”, he spent anxious and restless, waiting for Monday afternoon to arrive, when he could take his son home again.  
It would not be different this weekend.

On Thursday morning, Dan packed a bag for him, while Dylan ate porridge in the lounge. 

“Are you excited to see Mummy today?” Dan asked, when he was finished with the bag.

“Yes” Dylan said. “But when will I see Phil?”

Guilt tugged at Dan’s heart. “I told you, Dylcakes. It’ll be a while until we meet Phil again”. 

“But why?” Dylan asked.

“You know that Phil is very busy”.

Sulking, Dylan hopped off his chair and went into the hall, to put on his school coat, while Dan put the bowls into the dishwasher. Before he went to meet his son in the hall, he took his lunch from the fridge and looked at the calendar that was stuck to it with magnets. Nothing planned for tonight – no one to distract him from worrying about Dylan.

“I meet Phil all the time” Dylan informed him, putting on his shoes. “Why can I see him not?”.

Dan smiled. “It’s ‘can’t I see him’” he corrected Dylan. “And Phil really is busy these days. I think he’s working on a new book”. It was his best attempt to distract Dylan, but the little boy suddenly had tears in his eyes.

“You’re lying! Phil doesn’t like me anymore” he said.

Seeing his son like this made Dan want to cry, too, so he scooped him up in his arms and hugged him tightly to his chest. “No, that’s not true, Dylan. Phil likes you very much. I promise”.

“Are you sure?” Dylan snuffled. 

“Yes, I’m absolutely sure” Dan said. 

“But why can’t I meet him?”

Dan grabbed Dylan’s reading bag, his overnight bag and his woolly hat with his free hand, then managed to open the door and step outside. “It’s because Phil is very cross with Daddy” he ex-plained, prompting Dylan to look up to him with huge eyes.

“Why?”

“I was very mean to him”.

Dan started walking down the road, taking the route to Dylan’s school. Usually, he did not carry him on their walk, but today, it seemed appropriate. After all, Dan did have to confess to some-thing.

“Why? Do you like Phil not?”.

Despite himself, Dan chuckled. “It’s ‘don’t you like him’, love. And yes, I like him very much. But adults sometimes do mean things to people they like”.

“Then you have to apologize” Dylan said, quite sternly. “I want to play with him again”. 

“You’re right, I should apologize”. If only it was that easy, Dan thought.

When they arrived at school, Dan kissed Dylan Good Bye, an odd feeling of premonition in his stomach. He wished Dylan didn’t have to go to Jess’s this weekend. Occasionally, when Jess had been exceptionally neglectful, Dan revoked her privilege to see Dylan. But she’d been on her best behaviour two weeks ago, so there was nothing he could do.  
He watched Dylan disappear in the classroom, then he went to work, which was rather uneventful. He spent his lunchbreak with two colleagues and in the afternoon, he went shopping. Very rarely, he took Dylan on a shopping trip. Even on his own, being surrounded by too many people stressed him out, but having to keep his eyes on his son at all times gave him a headache. That meant he was in desperate need of a new pair of jeans. Except for the one he was wearing that day, all the other jeans he owned had a gaping hole somewhere. The city was crowded; Christmas was two weeks away and people wanted to shop for presents, marvel at the lights or drink mulled wine. Despite feeling uncomfortable, Dan managed to buy some presents for his parents and his brother, and he even bought a woolly blanked for Jess. Maybe he was trying to bribe her, to take good care of his son.

He bought a pizza on his way home and arrived quite late. The flat was cold and quiet, and while Dan ate his dinner in front of the TV, he felt a bit lonely. Without meaning to, he thought of Phil, and he already had his mobile out, his thumb hovering over the phone button, when he decided he wouldn’t call him.  
Almost two weeks had passed since that dreadful morning, and still, Dan wasn’t sure exactly who to blame. Himself, probably… But he was still angry with Phil, too. Maybe it was the best after all to never get in contact with him again. Dylan would be sad, of course, but he’d forget soon enough. It should have been a comforting thought but Dan only felt sadder and lonelier.

Friday was exhausting; Dan spent the entire day waiting for a disaster, that never happened. On Saturday, he slept in. When he woke up, a thick and heavy rain was drumming onto the windows. He slipped on some sweatpants and a t-shirt and went into the kitchen to get some coffee and some breakfast. The world outside was soaked and grey. Dan liked this sort of days. It was the per-fect excuse to go right back to bed – which he did. With a mug and a steaming bowl of porridge in his lap, he watched a few episodes of his favourite anime and afterwards had a very long, very hot shower. 

It was almost 3pm when he was dressed and ready to go out. In the afternoon, he met up with a friend. Originally, they had planned to see an art installation at Kensington Garden, but since it was still raining, they went to the V&A instead and visited their exhibition about bridal gowns. After-wards, in the lobby, they were discussing what to do for dinner. Dan was leaning towards Indian food, his friend wanted Chinese.  
Suddenly, Dan’s phone started vibrating in his pocket. Jess was calling.

“Hi Jess” Dan answered, already exasperated. 

“Don’t freak out, but we’re at the hospital”.

It felt like a punch in the stomach. “What?!”

“Dylan fell on his head and had to get stitches”.

“What?”

“He had to get stitches. He’s alright though”.

“He had to get stitches! He fucking isn’t alright!” Dan said quietly, trying to supress his anger and fear. 

There was a pause. When Jess finally answered, she sounded annoyed. “I’m just calling you out of courtesy. I don’t have to tell you anything”.

“Yes, you fucking do! He’s my son! Where is he?”

“We’re at the University College Hospital” Jess answered, reluctantly. “They want to monitor him for another two or three hours, but you don’t have to come”.

“Of course I’m coming!” Dan said, “Dylan needs me”.

Everything was over and dealt with when Dan arrived at the hospital. Dylan had gotten three stitches at the back of his head, but the wound was mostly invisible underneath his thick, curly hair. He’d been examined by an expert for traumatic brain injury and been put into a bed on some light pain killers. He’d slept for about an hour, but now he was awake and happy. 

“Daddy!” he shouted excitedly, when Dan entered the room. Jess was sitting next to him on the bed, so Dan sat down at his other side and pulled him into a careful hug.

“Hello my love. How are you feeling?”

“Good. I got a lolly” Dylan said. 

“See” Jess said impatiently. “He’s fine”. 

“Is that what the doctor said?” Dan asked anxiously

Jess frowned. “She’s going to be back in 30 minutes to tell us”.

To pass the time, they watched some TV together. The hospital room was meant for two children, but for now, Dylan had it to himself. Snug between his parents, watching his favourite show, he seemed very contend.  
When the doctor arrived, she took one look at Dylan and immediately declared he didn’t need to spend the night. Just to be sure, she asked him and Jess some more questions, tested his reflexes and shone a small torch into his eyes.

“Your son was lucky” she explained to Dan and Jess. “He isn’t concussed and the wound is superficial and should heal nicely and quickly. You can take him home now. Just make sure he gets a good night’s rest. A day like this can be very exhausting for such a small body”. 

Outside, they hailed a taxi. 

“Where to?” the cab driver asked.

Dan gave him his address.

“Absolutely not!” Jess exclaimed.

“I’m taking him home, Jess” Dan said. “He should sleep in his own bed tonight”.

“He’s got a bed at my place, too. And it’s my weekend! He’s coming with me!”

Dylan, sat in the middle between them, looked from one to the other, lost. 

“You got him into hospital! Don’t you think you’ve done enough this weekend?”

“You can’t do this! It’s against the rules. It’s my weekend!” Jess shouted.

“Shut up!” Dylan screamed, interrupting his parents.

Stunned, they looked at him.

“Are you done?” the cab driver asked, audibly annoyed. “Where to?”

Dan said his address again, and this time, Jess didn’t complain.  
They spend the cab ride in icy silence. In each hand, Dylan held one of his parents’, but even he didn’t say anything. Obviously, the events of the day had worn him out. Dan couldn’t blame him. Bleeding from a head wound and having to ride in an ambulance must have been terrifying. He could blame Jess though. He was so angry at her.

When they arrived, Dan payed the driver while Jess and Dylan got out. Jess had picked up Dylan and was holding him to her chest. Seeing that, Dan got even more angry, though he could not explain why.

“Let’s go” he said and headed down the stairs to open the front door. Fortunately, Jess did follow him und she and Dylan got inside. 

“Will you please let Dylan down?”

Reluctantly, Jess put their son on his feet. They all took off their coats and shoes, and Dan send Dylan to go brush his teeth. “It’s way past your bedtime, my love”.

“That’s not fair!” Jess said, as soon as Dylan was in the bathroom. “It’s my weekend!”

“Yeah, well, I don’t care about fairness” Dan threw his phone and his keys onto the couch. “All I want is for Dylan to be safe. He needs to rest”.

“He can rest at my place!”

“Can he, though?” Dan said bitingly. 

Jess crossed her arms in front of her chest. “It’s my weekend! You have him all the time!”

“God, Jess! He’s not a toy!” 

They were getting louder. Usually, there was a rule in Dan’s mind that he would never shout at Jess when Dylan was around, but she so deserved to be shouted at.

“I know that! He’s my son, my son! You cannot take him from me!”

“Take him? You basically abandoned him at my door step!”

“That was years ago!!”

“Like you’ve gotten any better! You weren’t fit to care for a child, and you aren’t now”.

There were tears in Jess’s eyes now, her cheeks and her neck were burning red.

“I try so hard!”

“Trying and failing, obviously”. 

“Dylan, what are you doing?”.  
In his pyjamas, Dylan was standing in the hallway, Dan’s phone to his ear.

Phil got his phone out of his pocket and gazed at the screen. “Dan Howell” it said. He looked at Liu apologetically. “I’d better take this” he said calmly, not giving away the excitement he felt. Finally, a sign of life from Dan.  
He took a few steps away from Liu and answered.

“Hello?”

“Phil?”

That was a child’s voice. “Yes, it’s Phil. Dylan, is that you?”

“Hello”. 

Phil had to take that as a yes, he supposed. “Hey, buddy, how are you?”.

“Mummy and Daddy are fighting” Dylan informed him.

Suddenly, there were some muffled noises and Phil could hear Dan’s voice saying something along the lines of “not allowed to use my phone” and “who did you call”.  
Then: “Phil, are you there?”

“Hey, Dan” Phil answered, a sinking feeling in his stomach. 

“Uh… hey” Dan said, sounding quite awkward. “Sorry, sorry about that… I was distracted and Dylan got my phone”.

“It’s fine… he said you and Jess were fighting? Is there anything I can do?”

“Um, no… uh… that is, if you don’t mind… You don’t have to…”

“What is it?” Phil demanded.

“Well, if you’re free right now, maybe you could come by and look after Dylan? I’d – not now Jess! – I want to talk to Jess without him listening in. Is that at all possible?”

Phil looked around. His editor Eloise wasn’t here yet, the prospect of talking to Mr George again was frightening and Catherine Liu was also intimidating. He’d much rather spent his time with the Howells.

“Sure, I’ll be right there”.

“Thanks, Phil. You’re a lifesaver!”

They hung up and Phil went back to Liu. “Hey, sorry, something’s come up and I’ve got to go. Can we get back to this later?”

Catherine raised an eyebrow. “Sure, no problem”. 

They exchanged phone numbers, then Phil hurried outside and hailed a cab.  
When he arrived at Dan’s flat, he rang the doorbell. A few moments later, the door opened and Dylan fell forwards and hugged Phil’s legs. 

Phil swallowed. “Hey, Dylan”.

“I missed you” Dylan’s voice sounded muffled against Phil’s jeans. Smiling, Phil bent down and plucked the little boy from the ground. Dylan wrapped his arms around his neck and put his head against his shoulder. Embraced like this, Phil went inside and met Dan and Jess, who were sitting I icy silence at the kitchen counter.  
Jess gave him a once-over and wrinkled her nose. “Oh, it’s him” she said.

“Yeah, I told you” Dan said.

“You’re not sleeping with him, are you?” she asked, making Phil flush. 

“Not in front of Dylan, please” Dan scolded her, but Jess only shrugged. 

“Phil has never slept here” Dylan informed them. “Can we have a sleep over?”

That made Dan and Phil both smile. 

“We’ll see” Dan promised. “For now, he’s going to stay here with you, while Mummy and Daddy go out to discuss some grown-up things” He turned to Phil. “Will you be okay here?”

“Sure!”

Both Jess and Dan kissed Dylan Good Bye, then Phil carried him into his room and sat down on his bed with him. Looking already much sleepier than he had minutes earlier, Dylan climbed off him and under his blanket. 

“May you please stay here until I sleep?” he asked, looking up at Phil drowsily. 

“Of course!” 

Dylan patted the bed beside him. “Lie down” he commanded.

So, Phil kicked of his shoes and lay down next to him. Contend, it only took Dylan a few minutes to fall asleep, but Phil stayed with him longer. It was very peaceful to lie there with the sleeping child and to listen to his steady breathing.  
After a while, when he was certain Dylan would not from the movement, Phil got up and tiptoed into the lounge, where he sat down on the couch.  
He watched a bit of TV, but mostly, he wanted Dan to come back. He wanted to talk to him, about what had happened, to apologize. Maybe, he wanted to hold him. But two hours passed, and then a third and Dan still wasn’t home.  
Eventually, Phil turned off the TV stretched out on the couch, and slowly, he fell asleep.


	4. Part IV

For a brief moment after waking up, Phil didn’t know where he was. The thought didn’t frighten him; he was warm and relaxed, and there was the sound of friendly footsteps on wooden floor and the smell of something delicious sizzling in a pan. It came to him suddenly; he was at the Howell’s. He opened his eyes and noticed that someone, presumably Dan, had draped a blanket over him. In the kitchen, Dan and his son were preparing breakfast, Dan stirring something in a pan, Dylan on his tiptoes, his little hands on the counter, to watch what his father was doing. Yawning, Phil sat up, attracting the attention of the other two. Father and son smiled in unison and Phil couldn’t help but return the gesture – they did have such beautiful, heart-warming smiles.

“Good morning” he said.

“Good morning” Dylan chirped.

“Morning” Dan said, too. “Sleep well?”

Phil nestled with the blanket. “I did… thank you”.

“Do you want to take a shower?” Dan asked.

Probably a good idea, Phil thought as he ruffled through his hair. “Yeah, that would be nice”.

“Dylan, would you get Phil a towel?” Dan asked his son. Excitedly, Dylan skipped towards Phil.

“Come on!” he said and grabbed Phil’s hand. “I’ll show you”.

Obediently, Phil got up and let Dylan lead him into the bathroom, where the little boy climbed onto a small stool and got a towel out of the shelf.

“You can use my shampoo” he offered, “It’s orange and it glitters”.

That made Phil chuckle. “Thanks, I will” he said.

Dylan left the room and Phil undressed and got into the shower, but two minutes in, someone entered the bathroom again. “Hello?” Phil asked.

“How do you like your eggs?”

That was Dylan.

“Sunny side up” Phil said, then he heard the door again and assumed Dylan had gone reporting to Dan.

Contrary to what he had said earlier, when he used the shampoo, Phil opted for Dan’s. Not that he had anything against orange glittery shampoo, but he had to admit he wanted to smell like Dan. Maybe it was a bit weird, but he just liked the thought.  
After a brisk shower, he got out and dried off. There was a knock at the door, so Phil slung the towel around his hips. “Yes?”.

Somewhat shyly, Dylan came in, caring a small stack of clothes in his arms.

“Daddy said to give you these” he said.

Phil took the clothes from him, “Thank you, Dylan”.

“Breakfast is almost ready” Dylan informed him.

“Okay, then I’ll, uh, dress now” Phil said, hoping the boy understood.

And he did. Dylan flashed him a smile, then he left him alone.

A few minutes later, Phil emerged from the bath room dressed in his own jeans, but with boxers, socks, a shirt and a jumper from Dan. His clothes fit Phil surprisingly well, and they were very comfy. They also made him look like a different person, since they were all black.

“Ah, there you are” Dan said, as he was setting a plate with bacon onto the table. “Please, sit down”.

Dylan was already seated and eating a piece of toast, so Phil chose the chair next to him.

Breakfast with Dan and Dylan was a lot of fun. Dylan chatted non-stop about school and his friend Emma, whom he had met on Friday, and also what it was like to be in the hospital.

“Wait, you’ve been in the hospital?” Phil asked.

“Yesterday!” Dylan said excitedly. “I fell from the monkey bars and then I was bleeding. My whole shirt was red!”

“That must have hurt” Phil said. When he looked at Dan, he caught him frowning intensely. But as soon as Dylan started talking again, Dan replaced the frown with a neutral expression.

“It hurt” Dylan allowed. “But then me and Mummy drove in the ambulance”.

“And that was fun?” Phil asked.

“Yes! And in the hospital, we watched TV!”.

Phil smiled. “Seems like a very exciting day”.

“Too exciting for my taste” Dan said, grimacing sarcastically.

Phil could well imagine how worried Dan must have been. No wonder he and Jess had been fighting.  
They finished with their breakfast and Phil helped them tidy up. Afterwards, he was not sure if he was expected to leave. He and Dan hadn’t exactly reconciled and on Dan’s own accord, Phil wouldn’t even be here. But then again, Dan had let him sleep on the couch, and had made him breakfast. He had even covered Phil with a blanket, so he wouldn’t be cold. This was the gesture that meant the most to Phil. It would have disturbed Dylan if Phil hadn’t been there that morning… but the blanket had nothing to do with that.

Dan brewed coffee for Phil and himself and they drank it at the kitchen table while Dylan played with some legos on the ground. Neither of them said a word which was kind of comforting to Phil. At least, Dan didn’t chase him out of the house right away. He, too, seemed unsure of the situation.

 “Mummy wants you to sleep at her place tonight, okay?” Dan asked Dylan, when he was putting the coffee cups in the sink.

“Yes” Dylan said.

“Before I drop you off, do you want to go ice skating?”

“Yes” Dylan said again. “May Phil come with us, please?”.

Dan grinned. “Phil, got any plans?”

“Not in the slightest. I’d love to come” Phil said wholeheartedly.

“Yay!” Dylan threw his arms in the air in excitement, making the two men laugh.

While Phil put his worn clothes into a bag that Dan lend him, Dan got Dylan ready for the day. Because he had a fresh head wound, Dan insisted that Dylan wore his bike helmet.  
With the bus, they got to Kensington. In front of the Natural History Museum, an ice rink had been installed, and since it was Sunday and still quite early, the place was comparatively empty. They paid the admission and borrowed skates, then they teetered onto the ice.  
It had been a while since Phil had last been ice skating, but after a bit of awkwardness, his body remembered the movements and he got steadier and confident. Dylan had grabbed one of the penguins and was now gliding around with ease. Only Dan was helplessly at the side, moving slowly and one arm outstretched towards the fence, to catch himself if he fell.

“You alright there?” Phil asked, gliding towards him.

“Sure. I just remembered that I really don’t like ice skating” Dan said through gritted teeth, making Phil laugh.

“It was your idea!”

“I know. I’m stupid!” Dan said, coming to a stop at the fence. From the way his hands grasped the wall so tightly, Phil could see that he was scared.

“Do you want me to help you?” he asked.

“How?”

Phil stretched out his arm. “Take my hand”.

Dan threw him a look as if to say _really, Phil?_ But when Phil only grinned back, Dan slowly put his hand into his.

“And the other one, too” Phil ordered.

Hesitatingly, Dan let go off the fence and put his hand into Phil’s waiting one, clasping tightly. With Phil moving backwards and Dan going forwards, Dan was beginning to develop a feeling for the skates.

“Okay, I think you’re ready” Phil said, after a while

“Ready?” Dan asked, sounding slightly panicked. Phil grinned at him mischievously and let go off his right hand.

“No! Wait!” Dan shouted, flailing a bit and nearly falling, if it hadn’t been for Phil steadying him.

“Don’t worry, you’re fine” he said reassuringly, which proved to be right a few minutes later.

Hand in hand like this, they could pick up the speed, so that they could trail behind Dylan. With the penguin in front of him, Dylan was having the time of his life. His cheeks were red, his eyes gleaming, and a huge grin spread across his face.

Phil, too, was extremely happy – like he was where he was supposed to be. With Dan’s hand warming his, the fairy lights in the trees, the Christmas song’s playing in the back and Dylan in front of him. There was a glowing, golden feeling in his chest and tummy, and Phil wanted this moment to last forever.  
And he was aware of how cliché it all was, and that probably, he was making a fool of himself. That they were holding hands didn’t mean that Dan had forgiven him.  
Or that something could happen between them again.  
Or that he reciprocated the feelings that Phil felt for him so intensely that he feared they might jump out of his chest.  
This hand-holding-business – it was just for safety.

When Dylan grew tired, they got off the ice and returned the skates.

“Mummy’s coming to pick you up in half an hour. Are you thirsty?” Dan asked Dylan, and because Dylan made an affirmative sound, they decided to queue for some hot drinks at the food truck nearby.

When it was their turn to order, Phil and Dan got a cinnamon spiced latte each, and Dylan a cup of steaming fruit punch. Joking around, they found a table to stand at and while Dan put down their drinks, Dylan started to try and climb on top of Phil. Finally, Phil gave in and picked him up to put him onto his shoulders. Up there, towering over everybody else, Dylan seemed very happy, though he struggled not to spill any punch onto Phil.

Dan was watching the spectacle, then grinned at Phil. “How was L.A.?”

“Uh” Phil made, caught off guard. “Good… Uh, listen, about that –“

But Dan cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Let’s just… never talk about that night. Best we forget it ever happened”.

That sort of hurt. Of course, Phil was glad that Dan was willing to put aside their fight. But he didn’t want to forget about that night… their night. Nevertheless, he smiled noncommittally and said “okay, sure”.

As soon as they had finished their drinks, Jess arrived at their table. Now, in daylight, Phil noticed that she looked considerably better than she had when he had first met her. Though her coat looked just as ratty, her hair was freshly washed, her eyes didn’t look as sunken and she was standing straighter.  
He smiled at her, but she only stared back sourly. Noticing her expression, Dan hurriedly picked up Dylan from Phil’s shoulders and put him onto his own feet. It really was handy that the two of them were of nearly the same height.

“Hi, mummy!” Dylan greeted Jess happily and only then did she lighten up.

“Hello, sweetie!” she said and kissed him on the head, which he graciously accepted. “Did you have fun ice-skating?”

“Yes! I’m very good” Dylan informed her, making the adults laugh.

“Of course you are!” Jess said, then she turned to Dan. “Where’s his stuff?”

Dan handed her the bag he’d backed for Dylan. When Phil caught his gaze, he ever so slightly rolled his eyes at him. Phil grinned encouragingly.

“Well, say good bye to your Dad and his boyfriend” Jess said to Dylan, who only looked at her in confusion.

Phil, however, blushed deeply. “No, I’m… we’re – I’m not his boyfriend”.

“What’s a boyfriend?” Dylan asked.

Before Dan answered, he glared at Jess furiously. But when he turned to his son, his face was calm and friendly. “We’ll talk about it another time, okay?”.

“Okay” Dylan said. “Bye Daddy!”

Dan bent down so that they could hug. “Good Bye, my love. Have a great time with mummy”.

“Good Bye, Phil” Dylan said. “May you play with me soon?”

“I’d love to!” Phil said, feeling flattered. He, too, hugged Dylan shortly. “Good Bye, little one”.

The two men watched Jess and Dylan walk away. Even after they had disappeared from sight, the awkwardness between Dan and Phil returned. They stood next to each other in silence, until, eventually, Dan cleared his throat.

“So, uh, do you have the afternoon off…?”.

“I do. Did you have anything in mind?”.

“There’s this art installation at Kensington Gardens. I’d have gone yesterday, if it hadn’t been raining,” Dan smiled, somewhat shyly “So if that’s something you’re interested in…”.

“Sure, let’s go. It’s getting way too crowded, anyway” Phil commented.

So, they threw away their paper cups and headed towards Kensington Gardens. On the short walk, they were goofing around and laughing a lot. With Dylan around, Dan always seemed so grown-up and responsible, and Phil had, maybe subconsciously, copied his behaviour. But today, they let that grown-up façade slide a little. As they were walking through the park, Phil was impersonating his design teacher at college, gestures wide and an exaggerated lisp, telling Dan the story of how Mr Murdock had prophesied that Phil would never had a career in art. By the time they arrived at the sight of the art installation, Dan was laughing so hard he had developed a hiccup.  
  
The installation spread across a wide area and consisted of washing lines, suspended between multiple trees. White towels hung at the lines, though the rain and the dirty air of the city had soaked them through and greyed them considerably. This sight alone would have been gross, but spray painted onto the towels were profanities, swear words and obscene images in bright neon colours.

“Is that art?” Phil asked.

“I think so?” Dan mustered the towel closest to him. It showed a crude picture of a woman’s genitalia. “The artist wanted to criticize how society tries to wash out words and other forms of expression that they deem dirty. At least that’s what I read somewhere”.

“It’s horrible!” Phil exclaimed.

Dan chuckled. “It doesn’t work, does it?”

“No! Anyone who comes by can see this! Old ladies! Little children!”

“Yeah, glad we didn’t bring Dylan” Dan said.

“Also, who hangs out towels in winter? They’re soaked and gross!” Not that Phil was averse to modern art, but this, he simply didn’t understand. He turned towards Dan, looking for agreement, but Dan burst out laughing.

“What?!” Phil demanded, but Dan just kept laughing. And finally, Phil cracked up too. They stood there for some moments, giggling, and it took them a while to calm down.

“Let’s go” Dan said, panting and pressing a hand to his side.

“Good idea!”.

They turned away and walked towards the pond, still grinning. The pond was occupied by dozens of birds: geese, ducks and pigeons. It was a much nicer sight. As they stood by the edge, watching the spectacle the birds provided, Dan cleared his throat.

“Jess is suing for custody” he said.

Shocked, Phil looked at him. “Can she do that?”

“Sure, she’s Dyl’s mother. She’s got every right to”.

“But, why does she?”

Dan shrugged. “She’s angry at me that I keep Dylan away from her. Since she left him at your book signing, she’s been getting her shit together. She doesn’t drink anymore, got a steady job… She says she wants Dylan to move in with her. I said that’s never going to happen and she got mad”.

“That sucks, I’m sorry” Phil said. “What’s going to happen next?”

“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure, Jess doesn’t know either. She’ll probably get her parents involved, and they’ll get her a lawyer”.

“I can get you a lawyer, if you want” Phil said.

“We’re fine, thanks” Dan said, and Phil didn’t fail to notice the angry tone in his voice.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“- It’s fine” Dan cut him off. “Listen, I still have to do some stuff for work. Maybe it’s best I head home”.

He started to walk towards the park’s exit, but Phil quickly went after him and caught his hand.

“Come on, wait. Don’t be like that”.

Dan turned around half way, looking at their intertwined hands. What was he seeing? Phil thought. Steady comfort? Or unpleasant hindrance?

Sighing, Dan squeezed Phil’s hand, then let go. “I don’t want your money, Phil”.

“I know, that’s not what I meant” Phil said.

Dan raised his eyebrows. “Then what?”.

“I want to help. I don’t know anything about family law – you’ll probably know more about it – so I thought I could help you that way. Or any other way I can, really…”

His hand twitched towards Dan’s again, but he was afraid Dan wouldn’t want that. On the other hand, Dan hadn’t moved away… His eyes were on Phil’s, softly and earnestly.

“Sorry” Dan said, “thank you”.

“So, is there anything?”

“Yeah, I think… I’ll have to meet with an attorney and probably spent some hours at court. Will you take care of Dylan, then?”

“Of course!”

Dan smiled. “You know, I actually do have to do some stuff for work… Do you want to come back to my place and hang out? We can play Mario Kart when I’m done, or something”.

“Yeah, I’d love to!” Phil said.

Walking next to each other, they left the park and took the Tube back to Dan’s flat. For about two hours, Dan sat at the kitchen counter with his laptop and his headphones, deeply concentrated, while Phil was left to his own devices. The curious person he was, he used the chance and explored the flat. He had a look at all the shelves, with their bits and bops and little trinkets, examined all the photos and the paintings on the wall and browsed through Dan’s extensive DVD collection. Finally, he settled in on the couch with a book he had picked out from the shelf in the lounge. When he had read the first three chapters, Dan joined him there. He sat closely enough for their thighs to brush against each other, but far enough to keep the contact casual. They picked out the game and played it against each other. Phil was doing quite alright, but he regularly lost against Dan. Maybe Dan was simply better than him, but Phil might have had a better chance if he had looked at the screen a little more often. But how could he when Dan was right there beside him, at ease and joyful and happy… It was a sight to see. All the while, there was a weird, dull ache in Phil’s chest. He wanted to reach over so badly, to just abandon the game and focus his entire attention on Dan (and have Dan’s entire attention on him). But he didn’t know where the boundaries where between them. He didn’t know if Dan was still interested in him other than platonically. Had they ruined everything that night they spent together?

“Hey! You’re making it way too easy! Would you please focus?” Dan said loudly.

“I am focused! I’m doing my best!” Phil said, quickly looking at the screen again.

“That’s pathetic” Dan laughed. “Maybe you need some special incentive?”.

“Yeah? What did you have in mind?”

Dan shifted his leg, resting his thigh steadily against Phil’s. “If you win this round, I’ll kiss you”.

In his chest, Phil’s heart started racing. “Let’s do it!”

He leaned forward to better see the screen and concentrated extra hard on what he was doing. For the first two rounds of the race, everything went smoothly for him. But then, Dan overtook him and won.  
Disappointed, Phil sat back, making a disgruntled noise.

Dan laughed. “Sorry… and you were doing so well, too”

Phil turned his head to look at him in play-pretend anger. Dan was grinning at him cheekily, but while they were gazing into each other’s eyes, his expression changed gradually into something softer. Maybe, Phil thought, he was getting this kiss after all. His whole body felt tingly.  
But then, Dan coughed awkwardly and looked away.

 

When Phil came home that night, he felt lonely. He was still dressed in Dan’s clothes. In the bedroom, he slowly peeled them of his body and threw them onto his bed. He put on his pyjamas and brushed his teeth and when he came back, put Dan’s things into the laundry basket. Except for the jumper. Phil pressed it to his face and inhaled deeply. Dan’s scent was still on it, despite the fact that Phil had worn it the entire day. Phil inhaled once more. He felt stupid and pathetic and also a bit creepy. If he were Dan’s boyfriend, this would have been so much more normal. But he was only his friend. And he was in love.  
He curled up in the bed, the jumper pressed to his chest, and fell asleep hurting a little.

In the morning, he was awoken by his phone ringing. Groggy, he got to his feet and found the phone in the living room.

“‘ello?”

“Hey, Phil. It’s Hazel”.

Despite the drowsiness, Phil had a sudden bad conscious. “Movie rights?” he asked.

“You guessed it” she said cheerful. “So, I’ve been talking with the people from the studio just now. Good news or bad news first?”.

“Uh, good news?” Phil said.

“The good news is they increased their offer by 15%”.

Phil gulped. They had already offered a ton of money, but this was starting to get insane.

“And the bad news is that they’ve set you a deadline”

“When?”

“January first”

Phil groaned. “That’s in three weeks”

“Told you it’s the bad news…”

Phil stayed miserably silent for a while, contemplating, or maybe waiting for Hazel to say something encouraging.

“Phil?”

“Hm?”

Hazel sighed. “What’s the problem? You’ve been going back and forth over this movie deal for months”.

“True. I’m sorry” Phil said, “but, you see, there is sort of a new factor in my life that makes everything so much more complicated”.

“Do you need someone to talk it through with?” Hazel asked, “because I’m getting tired of discussing with Americans late at night or early in the morning”.

It’d be really nice to talk to Hazel about it, Phil thought. As of yet, he hadn’t told any of his friends about the Howells. And usually, Hazel had some pretty good, if tough advice.

“Are you free today?” he asked.

“Can we make that tomorrow? Today’s very busy”.

So, they decided to meet on Tuesday, in a coffee shop near Hazel’s. The extra day gave Phil some time to get his new sketches in order, as well as his thoughts regarding the movie deal.  
When he arrived at the café he was carrying a large folder, and for the first half an hour he and Hazel looked through the Tomcat and Kitten pictures. The great thing about Hazel was that she asked the right questions, and in talking to her about his characters Phil always discovered new things.  
When the waiter brought over their second order of coffees, Phil moved the sketches away and the tone became a little more serious.

“Now spill, what’s the problem?” Hazel asked, eyeing him critically over the rim of her mug.

And Phil wanted to say, ‘I think, I’m in love’, but he hadn’t vocalized that feeling before and he didn’t feel ready now. So, he told Hazel about the Howells in less specific terms; how deeply he cared for both Dan and Dylan, and how him going to L.A. for the weekend had already caused a rift between him and Dan, and how he was afraid, he’d let them down if he spent more time overseas.

“Two days ago, Dylan, who is five years old, he is so small, he called me, because his parents were fighting. He called _me_! He depends on me… I’m terrified of hurting him. But that could easily happen if I spend a lot of time in America”.

For the whole while he had been talking, Hazel had listened with a sympathetic expression on her face. Now, she frowned at him sternly. “Nobody says you have to live in America, you know?”

“It is part of their offer…”

“True. But it’s not a deal breaker if you wouldn’t be involved so much. Reading a script, approving of a storyboard… that can all be easily done over the phone. If that is what you want, I mean…”

“I don’t know what I want” Phil said, miserably.

“And have you talked to, uh, Dan, was it?”

Phil sighed. “Not yet. What if it’ll scare him off?”.

“Last time he got angry because you _didn’t_ tell him you were going to L.A., didn’t he?”

“Yeah”

“Well then the better approach would be to talk to him about this openly” Hazel said decidedly.

 

Phil realized she was right, of course, but that didn’t make it easier to go through with it. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, he was happy to just have the Howell’s back in his life and he didn’t want to complicate things between him and Dan.

He spent two afternoons with Dylan. Once, when Dan had an appointment at the doctor for a bad cough he had developed, and a second time, when Dan was meeting with a lawyer. That second afternoon, Phil took Dylan to his place. While he cooked supper, Dylan was allowed to do his homework in Phil’s study. Though when Phil checked on him, Dylan had gotten distracted by Lion sitting on Phil’s desk. Watching the little boy interact with his cuddly toy, Phil couldn’t help but smile. Love for Dylan filled him head to toe. This child had somehow turned his life around. And that, in less than three months. And Phil had been completely helpless against it.

“Dylan, supper’s ready” he said.

Dylan turned around, guilt obvious on his little face. Slowly, he put Lion back onto the desk.

Phil smiled at him. “It’s okay. You can bring him, if you’d like”.

Dylan beamed and snatched the toy again.

He was less excited about the food Phil had prepared.

“I don’t like peas” he said grumpily.

“Your Dad said you liked them” Phil said, apologetically.

“No. I hate them” Dylan pouted. “I don’t want them”.

When Phil had asked Dan what he should give Dylan for dinner, Dan had specifically said that he wanted Dylan to eat more vegetables, and Phil didn’t want to disappoint him. Maybe he could somehow bribe Dylan.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Phil asked.

Across the table, Dylan’s eyes lit up. “Yeah”.

“I’ll tell you” Phil said, “but only if you eat your veggies”.

“You’re a meanie” Dylan said. But then, he ate the peas without further complaint.

Afterwards, Phil got them a cup of strawberry yoghurt each. Over pudding, he shared his secret with Dylan.

“So, Lion might soon be a movie star” he said.

“Why?” Dylan asked.

“There is a company in America that makes movies. And they want to make a movie out of my books about Lion”.

“Like How to Train Your Dragon?” Dylan asked.

“Yes, like that”.

“That’s soo cooool!” Dylan said. He had stopped eating and was looking at Phil with a mixture of awe and excitement. “May I watch it?”

Phil laughed. “It’s not ready yet. They haven’t even started making it”.

“Oh” Dylan said. “But when are they finished?”

“I don’t know” Phil said. “I’m not even sure I want them to make it”.

“Please let them make it” Dylan pleaded. “Please!”

“Okay” Phil said, “I will”.

“Yay!” Dylan shouted and Phil had to laugh. He felt like a huge burden had been taken from his shoulders. If all his small readers would be even half as happy about the movie as Dylan, then it would be worth it. Or really, just Dylan being happy was worth it.


End file.
